Harry Potter redone!
by Not Here Dont Talk to Me
Summary: Ok, so this is a really random thing that my 15 year old brother wrote for Facebook that I decided to put on here. It's Harry Potter redone! a VERY strange story but surprisingly funny. Read it!
1. Chapter 1

**Harry Potter Finds a Philosopher's Stone**

Harry Potter was an attention seeker born in 1988 in Pomville. He was also a snitch seeker in the game Quidditch, because seeker is obviously the most attention seeking position on the pitch because it has the word "seek" in it, so Harry had to be it.  
He drew a scar on his forehead every morning as a way to attract the attention of the girls. But girls didn't like him because of his clothes which were tatty and dirty because he sold all his good clothes to a house elf in 1994 in return for some magic beans. However Harry accidentally ate the beans in 1995 because his aunt and uncle were making spaghetti bolognese and were missing the red kidney beans, but the magic beans were green so the spaghetti tasted gross.

Skipping ahead, after a few years people realised Harry was cool because he could speak to snakes, which if you haven't tried is hard to do. Harry's cousin wasn't cool cause he couldn't talk to snakes cause he was fat and sat on them instead.

After half a year at some magic school in 1999 Harry knew how to open locks so he broke in and robbed stores and got thrown in jail, but he opened the lock on that too and then opened the belt buckle on the guard's belts so their pants fell down and one was wearing love heart undies and the were so embarrassed that they let him go.

At the end of that year Harry suffered severe internal injuries cause a ghost spirit thing of Voldemort passed through his chest, messing up the organs inside and on his way out gave Harry a tattoo of a penis on his back.  
This happened AFTER Harry turned Professor Squirrel into stone which is impossible because Harry is not bloody Medusa.

Harry was pretty pissed at Voldemort, partly because he had killed his parents. Also partly cuz he had a bad headache.

Harry decided he didn't like Voldemort, and also decided that he might have to verse him in the future, so he decided to stock up on the HP trading cards so he was sure to have the right card to block Voldemort's spells when they next met.


	2. Chapter 2

**Harry Potter Finds a Chamber of Secrets in a Bathroom**

Harry Potter had a fight with an orange on a stick, and as a result managed to drop a cake on a woman's head. The orange was charged with assault and giving 10 years in prison.

Harry Potter was kidnapped by a family with red hair. To this day they cannot identify the kidnappers. He was taken to a Tall Rickety building in a flying transportation device, also known as a car.  
There he spent a few hours doing university grade lectures on the _Functions of Rubber Ducks_ and had all his pupils pass their phd's on _Pointless Non-Magic People Things_

Harry then fell up a chimney and ended up in an alleyway, where many people tried to sell him cookies. He then met his huge friend Hagrid who fell into a cauldron of magic potion when he was a baby. Hagrid took him back to the good alleyway where frizzy hair Hermione fixed his glasses.

Later on that day Harry met a very up himself Professor who was quite good at getting ladies, but has no talent whatsoever... Kinda like Zac Efron. Harry managed to scab himself free books, before proceeding out of the book shop.

Even later on Harry and Ron attempted to get through a brick wall. Both suffered severe injuries as a result, and received a greasy from a station person. They also managed to damage beyond repair the station trolleys, meaning they did not get the items they put in as collateral back. A head-wig and a undersized beaver. Harry and Ron didn't care. The head-wig was infested with fleas anyway so Harry had been dying to get rid of it.

They then hyjacked a flying transportation device and flew themselves to the magic school. Harry fell out of a car and landed on the railway track, but he didn't die of course, because he's an attention seeker so he just faked the death.

Alot of people were hospitalised that year at the magic school because a huge snake was trying to kill people. The huge snake was nice to Harry because Harry talked to it. None of the other idiots that were hospitalised tried talking to the snake so the snake got aggressive and hurt them.

A long haired guy thought Harry did it, so Harry told the snake to hospitalise the guy's cat as punishment.

Harry found a book that was magic and showed Harry what Voldemort's handwriting looked like when he was at school.

A 50 year old guy fell in love with Harry's crush, Ginny, and decided to possess her, so they could be closer to each other. Harry didn't take this too well, and like many hormonal adolescents took his anger out on the 50 year old, who was actually Voldemort, so Harry got even more annoyed. Harry killed the big snake, which decided to turn on him, but at the same time got stabbed in the arm by the snake's fang. He then stabbed the book. Of course this did nothing because it was a book. So Harry stabbed the 50 year old many times as well.

Harry then got cried on by a bird, which made him angry because the tears stung the wound. He then performed a spell on his arm which made it better. Then yelled at the bird for not looking cooler.

Harry then flew out of the bathroom with a flying transportation device, also known as a bird.


End file.
